July 29, 2010

A downward spiraling economy = me feeling like a complete failure?

In February 2009 I was laid off from my somewhat stressful, but actually liked what I was doing, fulltime job of 2 yrs. It took me a couple years to muster up the courage to go back into the workforce after having two kids and being a stay at home mom for 6 years, which by the way is one of the HARDEST jobs I've ever had! (PS I've been on both sides of the SAHM/FTworking mommy spectrum and they are both hard BUT) I climbed the ladder of success which led me to being laid off in the start of a crappy economy and companies downsizing. 3 months later my husband was laid off too from his job after 10 years...

Here we are 17 months later, still alive and scraping to stay afloat. My husband got a job within a couple months paying alot less than what he is used to but its better than unemployment. And here I sit still jobless. We have cashed out and sold most of what we could to keep going. I feel no release of everyday pressures and worries that I still have no job and the economy is still spiraling out of control. To put it plainly, I feel like a failure. I have worked since 16 and been out busting my ass on my own since 18. To have it all come to this point SUCKS! I swear if I hear one more comment on how I'm just sitting on my A$$ collecting a check eating bon-bons IMMA go ghetto! I mean its probably because "those people" aren't on this side of the fence, HAVING to collect a check to help their family survive, that they can't and don't understand. I've been actively looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING I can here. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions, I even cried in the parking lot of a temp agency because they weren't excepting any more applicants for a typing test that I was an HOUR early for! I've applied for many off the wall jobs too, gas station attendant, backroom stocker, tow truck dispatcher, etc. No disrespect to those in any of those fields, you gotta job right?

I haven't been blogging about many things of "substance" either in fear that I'll piss someone off or regret it in the morning. HOWEVER, this is MY blog and its supposed to be an outlet for me right? My philosophy about blogging has always been "If you can own it, blog it" so maybe the reason I haven't blogged with "substance" is because I couldn't "own it"?? Well I'm owning it today and it hurts but kinda feels good to get it out there.

What's gotten me through all of this is not only the love and support of my husband and kids but my FAITH. I have always been optimistic about everything, a glass half full kinda girl. This whole situation has really tested my faith and our faith as a family. :::: pausing to clear the tears :::: There's always one thing after another daily adding up!! I fight to hold back anger and tears, feeling like a failure, not being able to hold it together for my family, not being able to do the things we used to... I'm wondering what our "plan" is, I know God has one for us. Why can't I get a job, why do things keep getting worse, what's next for us and the future of this family? I just keep reciting in my head "this too shall pass" and praying that it does. Somethin's gotta give right.


11 comments:

Coco said...

Ember, seriously, hang in there. I can totally relate. Harold has been out of work since August of 2008! We have struggled so much these past two years than ever before but we are here and still loving life. It too has tested our faith like no other and because of it, it's made our marraige stronger. I can understand the failure part. Harold was feeling the same exact way. You are not a failure and neither is anyone else out there who is jobless but still actively looking, just like you and my hubby. Something good will come of being unemployed, maybe not material wise but on a deeper level. I know for us, we've learned to enjoy the simpler things and in turn are teaching the kids that nothing else matters without the love and support of your family. You got my support. Hang in there, I'm right there with you!

bmom76 said...

I'm with you! After eight years at the same company I arrived to work one April morning to receive a letter that stated, "We are pleased to announce our merger". Woo-hoo. The merger included around 2% of the company. My Chad works construction and is working right now, but was laid off for six months prior to me being laid off. It sometimes feels like the weight of the world is bearing down. It does feel like things get worse and worse. But I try to stay positive. The boat hasnt sunk yet! There are a ton of people that have it worse than I do. That makes me feel blessed to have what we do. It has to get better at some point!

wacki04 said...

Very touching Ember. I completely understand your frustrations and your faith, just hold on! I keep telling myself, if we can make it through this, we can make it through ANYTHING! This is a true test... be proud that you've made it this far! That speaks volumes! Count EACH and EVERY blessing... some families aren't that fortunate to make as long as you have without a job. It'll get better :)

Ember said...

Thank you SO much for all your wonderful comments! I need to be reminded sometimes of the blessings we do have. Even though we KNOW what is right in front of us, some days are more overwhelming than others and I tend to forget.... Thanks again for reading my rant! =)

RoseBelle said...

Hi Ember. I was laid off in March 09 after 14 years with the company. I'm still unemployed. It's very hard to find work! I'm looking for a part time and even that's hard. I just try to stay positive and check out job postings. Take care and good luck!

I'm your newest follower!

Ember said...

Thanks RoseBelle! Glad to have you here! =)

Life with the Lebedas said...

I left you an award on my blog!

http://lebedafamily.blogspot.com/2010/07/2-blog-awards-1-giveaway-winner.html

Mommy Hates Cooking said...

My brother-in-law was laid off 6 months ago, and he too is in the same boat, trying to find work and having a hard time doing so! I think it's easy for people who haven't been there to make comments about unemployment etc...but at some point they will be eating their words!
I'm a firm believer in God and faith and that sometimes we have trials in life and will look back and realize that trial got us to where we wanted to be...I'll be praying for you! The right job will come.

Ember said...

Thanks! Prayers are always welcome. =)

Thanks Jennifer for the award! YAY!!!

Karyn said...

It's not you! There's no point in feeling like a failure. Just look at the stats and you'll realize that it's something beyond our control. I know that's easy for me to say because I'm not standing in your shoes ... wish there was something more I could say or do to help.

Ember said...

Thanks again Karyn! Kind words help more than you know! =)