In February 2009 I was laid off from my somewhat stressful, but actually liked what I was doing, fulltime job of 2 yrs. It took me a couple years to muster up the courage to go back into the workforce after having two kids and being a stay at home mom for 6 years, which by the way is one of the HARDEST jobs I've ever had! (PS I've been on both sides of the SAHM/FTworking mommy spectrum and they are both hard BUT) I climbed the ladder of success which led me to being laid off in the start of a crappy economy and companies downsizing. 3 months later my husband was laid off too from his job after 10 years...
Here we are 17 months later, still alive and scraping to stay afloat. My husband got a job within a couple months paying alot less than what he is used to but its better than unemployment. And here I sit still jobless. We have cashed out and sold most of what we could to keep going. I feel no release of everyday pressures and worries that I still have no job and the economy is still spiraling out of control. To put it plainly, I feel like a failure. I have worked since 16 and been out busting my ass on my own since 18. To have it all come to this point SUCKS! I swear if I hear one more comment on how I'm just sitting on my A$$ collecting a check eating bon-bons IMMA go ghetto! I mean its probably because "those people" aren't on this side of the fence, HAVING to collect a check to help their family survive, that they can't and don't understand. I've been actively looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING I can here. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions, I even cried in the parking lot of a temp agency because they weren't excepting any more applicants for a typing test that I was an HOUR early for! I've applied for many off the wall jobs too, gas station attendant, backroom stocker, tow truck dispatcher, etc. No disrespect to those in any of those fields, you gotta job right?
I haven't been blogging about many things of "substance" either in fear that I'll piss someone off or regret it in the morning. HOWEVER, this is MY blog and its supposed to be an outlet for me right? My philosophy about blogging has always been "If you can own it, blog it" so maybe the reason I haven't blogged with "substance" is because I couldn't "own it"?? Well I'm owning it today and it hurts but kinda feels good to get it out there.
What's gotten me through all of this is not only the love and support of my husband and kids but my FAITH. I have always been optimistic about everything, a glass half full kinda girl. This whole situation has really tested my faith and our faith as a family. :::: pausing to clear the tears :::: There's always one thing after another daily adding up!! I fight to hold back anger and tears, feeling like a failure, not being able to hold it together for my family, not being able to do the things we used to... I'm wondering what our "plan" is, I know God has one for us. Why can't I get a job, why do things keep getting worse, what's next for us and the future of this family? I just keep reciting in my head "this too shall pass" and praying that it does. Somethin's gotta give right.